Emotional intelligence & self-care: the missing competence?

Emotional intelligence & self-care: the missing competence?

Daniel Goleman the author of “Working with Emotional Intelligence”, talks about several competencies under “Personal” and “Social” competencies – Self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation and relationship management/social skills. Perhaps it is now time in our world of intensity, fear, overwhelm and stress to add one more competence – “Self-care?”

In our present-day world, on most corners you meet headlines referring to poor mental health, burnout, stress and overwhelm. Where are we going wrong? For the last several years we have been bombarded with external factors that have created this undercurrent of fear that continues to steadily eat away at human resilience with no sign of abating. Workload is another of the biggest factors in our daily lives to impact our physical and emotional energy resources. Feeling fearful and or overwhelmed means a sense of loss of control. When we are not feeling in control due to the “unknown” – Covid, inflation, petrol prices etc as well as due to impending deadlines, sheer volume of work and a lack of appreciation we leak energy just like a tyre on your car with a slow puncture, that over time leads into a downward spiral until you are literally “flat”. Eventually resulting in poor health as the endocrine system tries hard to rectify the constant onslaught of “fight and flight” reactions.

What is Self-care?

Considering “Self-care” from the point of view of Emotional Intelligence, in my opinion it is a combination of “self-awareness” and “self-regulation”. In other words, the ability to listen to yourself and observe a change in reactions to everyday issues, such as being less patient, overly aggressive in your manner, moody and lacking joy, and then to tune into yourself and pay more attention to these changes to understand the real cause. Having understood the cause, whatever that might be to then put in place some actions to self-regulate. In other words, to “manage one’s internal states, impulses and resources” so that your thoughts, actions and overall behaviour no longer drain energy.

In order to recognise when things are becoming too much “Self- care” goes a little deeper than self-regulation. It requires taking the foot of the pedal, putting practices in place that regulate work-volumes and deadlines to a point where you are stretched, but not over stretched as to over-stimulate the “fight and flight” response, taking down-time and generally assisting your internal physical and mental mechanisms to return to a state of homeostasis. In short-term circumstances when it is temporarily not possible to take your foot off the pedal to put several actions in place that positively support your energy system, for example:

Pause, breathe deeply for 3 in and out breaths – always ensuring the out-breath is longer than the in-breath. In this way you slow down your emotional reactions and bring an inner calm to the situation. Using this technique in the moment is very useful when your response would otherwise have been reactive and reckless.

Create space and time for yourself every day – During this time, which might only be 10-20 minutes a day, stay away from digital distractions and invest time in yourself walking, meditating and generally connecting with yourself. Taking time out creates the space in which to assess, evaluate and tune into your thoughts and emotions around different situations. For effective investment of time:

• Avoid being distracted by messages, calls and other regular interruptions
• If weather permits go out for some fresh air and if it doesn’t go out for some fresh air
• Breathe deeply 3-4 times before tuning into your surroundings, the smells, sights and sound
• Tune into yourself to acknowledge how you are feeling. Allow any negative feelings to manifest, acknowledge them and then let them g
• Acknowledge the learning these feelings and emotions have given you and move on from that place.

“Creating space for yourself on a daily basis, helps to regulate daily stresses and create that breathing space in order to “see” your emotional triggers.

Respect your personal capacity – say “No” when you know it is one thing too much. Talk to someone when you feel overwhelmed and stressed. They will likely be able to see the “wood for the trees” and help find the way out.

Keep your diet nutritionally rich – Avoid wheat and wheat-based foods. Wheat affects the brain as well as the body, causing stress to the digestive system and ultimately the brain as the two are inextricably linked through the gut-brain axis. If you want to get maximum energy from what you eat choose foods that support effective digestion and an agile mind:

• Eat the rainbow on a daily basis in fruit and vegetable
• Eat brain foods – oily fish such as mackerel, sardines, and salmo
• Chose healthy fats full of omega 3 and 6 – avocado, olive oil and coconut oi
• Eat good quality protein – grass-fed meat, fish, eggs, and protein from things such as whole grains, sesame seeds (humus), beans and legumes.

Read my blog about the effect of what we eat has on our minds

Keep hydrated – when not drinking enough water your body becomes stressed and therefore any additional external stressors accelerate the negative impact on how you feel. Keep a glass of water close by to sip on throughout the day. Aim to drink a minimum of 8 glasses daily.

Avoid all energy drinks and caffeine – they all serve to dehydrate the body as well as overall increasing the drain on your energy. Before reaching for that caffeine boost, drink a glass of water first and then observe how you feel.

Long term regulation of mind and body through “Self-care”

Taking a longer term view on “Self-care” means that you put daily and weekly practices in place to ensure a consistent and constant source of energy to meet demanding periods in your life, which let’s face it we all have. Adopting this kind of practice helps in keeping your mind positive and agile and your body full of energy.

As we are all unique, practices will differ from person-to-person. In order to find the right practices for you, ask yourself the following questions:

• What brings me joy
• What do I love doing
• Who inspires me so that I want to spend more time in their energy
• How can I nourish the whole of myself?

In answering these questions, you begin to identify what activities will help you to switch off from whatever overwhelm, stress and negativity you are facing. In our lives there is abundance of joy, we just have to stop to see it. Is your real passion in baking, cycling, fishing, gardening or walking? How can you build more of this into your weekly routine? What kind of people bring you inspiration? Who are they and how can you see or speak to them as part of your week?

When I think of personal “self-care” and nourishment, I think of several things:

• Sitting on top of a hill or by a river and taking in the view emptying my head of circulating thoughts and conversation
• Taking an afternoon powernap. 10-20 minutes of “switch off” in peace and quie
• Switching off connectivity and walking outsid
• Cuddling up on the sofa with a good boo
• Spending time with an anima
• Wholesome foods, heart-warming soups, casseroles and stew
• A long relaxing bath with essential oils.

These might not be ways in which you prefer to nourish yourself, but whatever it is that nourishes you, how can you take at least 30 minutes each week to create that time for yourself?

Defined simply, “Self-care” is: Knowing one’s internal sources of energy and how to build a consistent flow through:

Reference: Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman